Word Brains

By Millard Franco

 Anyone who has kids is immediately besought by many questions, and the weight of responsibility may lie heavily upon your shoulders. The fact is, there are many, many ways to fail when it comes to parenting, but the good news is that there are also many ways to succeed. The definition of failure as a parent will depend on many factors, including your culture, your hopes for your children, and the circumstances you find yourself in. In other words, one parent’s successes, such as Donald Trump having both his children incorporated into his business and television show, may seem to another parent to have been failures, the failure of a parent to spend enough time with and thinking about his offspring. Failing as a parent, therefore, will be dependent on your goals. There are still areas in which it is easy for us all to fail as parents, no matter what our goals for our children may be.

The first way many parents fail is by putting their children ahead of themselves, especially during their very early years. More and more research is showing that the most important time in a child’s life, in terms of development, are the preschool ages, including infancy. Your child needs you around at this stage, mothers and fathers both. It can seem impossible with the pressures and responsibilities of work to make the time necessary for the kids, but it is an important consideration nonetheless. This may be a time when you have to let some of those promotions pass for a time in order to serve the best interests of your family.

Another big mistake many parents make is either expecting too much or too little of their children, at any age, logically speaking. This applies to parents of teenagers as well as babies- the human brain is still developing right into the twenties, and even teenagers will not think of matters in the same logical way as adults. On the other hand, you do not want to underestimate your offspring’s powers of perception- as with many issues in parenting, there is a very fine line to walk, and you must base it on your knowledge of your child.

This brings us to the final area that will bring about failure when it comes to raising your children- by listening to everybody else. It seems that these days, everyone has an opinion as to how your children should be raised. There is a lot of conflicting advice, and lots that will just not work when it comes to your own children. Again, you know your children best and the final decision in matters will be up to you; base your decision on what has worked on the past. If this approach does not work, then it is time to try the alternatives suggested by someone else (and start with someone with a proven track record with their own children!) Again, this is a fine line- do not ignore your doctor’s advice when it comes to medical needs.

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Involving Your Child in Your Home Business

By Millard Franco

 Most work at home moms start home based businesses because they want to be home with their little ones. And I was no different: I left a great corporate job to be around my two children.

But then, you put a lot of work in your business, and it works! Yes, you are getting orders, and making some money, but the flip side is that you don’t have as much time for your little ones. How do you then balance your time? Do you still put your children first? Or do you go for the “just a minute honey!” line and hope they can’t tell time?

It happened to me: one day, during my first Christmas season in business, I was busy with an order for 150 gift baskets. It was hard work, and stress was running high. The deadline was approaching, and I had no time to stop to even straighten the room.

There were boxes with product everywhere, there were empty boxes, and there was gourmet food everywhere: a true disaster area! And just then, my 4 year old daughter (now 11) came to me with her big brown eyes in tears: “Mommy, I am bored and I am lonely… Can we play a little?” What could I do? I was alone at home with her, and if I stopped to play, there was no way I could finish my order in time.

So, I thought quickly, on my feet, of how I could play with her and work at the same time. And I came up with the idea of building her an office right next to mine out of used/damages boxes. She was ecstatic! And SHE did all the work! I told her where to go and get the boxes, and made room for her by me desk. She built a desk, improvised a chair, and even had items to sell in her store.

With that in place, I was able to continue my work uninterrupted most of the time. She loved watching and copying me: when I picked up the phone to talk to a customer, she picked up her imaginary phone. When I needed to make a basket, she made one of her own. When I calculated the price for my baskets, she picked up a pencil and calculated her own prices.

In time, her office evolved: the old, damaged boxes were replaced with actual wooden drawers. Inventory I wasn’t able to sell became her store’s inventory. She even got an adding machine, and a couch. Now, her office is her favorite spot to play. And it’s not just an office anymore: it’s an entire building with different shops. She has a restaurant, a bath and body store, a book store, and a toy store.

The store has helped her in many ways:

- she learned about maintaining and ordering inventory

- she learned about phone etiquette

- she learned addition and subtraction

- she learned organization skills

- she learned to be creative (little bits and pieces of ribbon, irregular baskets, empty containers have become great assets to her business)

Could YOU be using your business to teach your kids business basics while having fun? I am sure you could. Just take some time and think how your situation can be used to plant some business seeds in your child.

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Six Steps to Becoming a Super Parent

By Millard Franco

 We all know what a bad parent looks like: intolerant, constantly critical, more interested in their own affairs (in both senses of the word) than in the needs of their children. But what does it take to be a good parent? What does it take to give your children the very best start to life that you possibly can?

In the 1960’s John Bowlby did a lot of work looking into the effects of parenting on children. In those days he coined the term “good-enough parenting”. His thesis was that provided you avoided the sins of “bad” parenting, you were doing okay, and your children, with their own natural resilience, would also do okay. So is that all there is to it? Or are there things that you, as a parent, can do to be more than just a “good enough” parent. Can you, indeed, be a “super parent”, even the “ultimate” parent? Or is that just a myth of the feminist movement?

Well, let’s get one thing straight once and for all: No one is perfect. Try as you might, you will never be a “perfect” parent. You will never get it right every moment of every day for every year of your children’s growing lives. Nor do you need to. In that sense, Bowlby’s concept of “good enough” is very true. You do not need to be perfect. Your kids WILL survive. “Good enough” is good enough.

But, I suspect that you probably want more for your kids than just average. I strongly believe that there are things you can do, and attitudes you can adopt, that will give your children the very best start to life they could possibly have. And, at the same time, will actually make life easier and more fulfilling for yourself too. It is not a long list, but if you can manage the following, then I believe you have every right to call yourself the “ultimate” parent:

1) Recognise you are human. You cannot do everything, you cannot be everywhere, you cannot know everything. You will make mistakes. You also have your own issues, problems and hang-ups from your own past. That is all okay. The key to this game is not being perfect, but having the right attitude.

What is the right attitude? Being humble. Recognising that you have much to learn (we all do) and being willing to be teachable and to learn from your mistakes. A sign of genuine maturity is being able to look back at your past, recognise the mistakes you made, and say “this is what I have learnt about myself, and what I need to work on changing in myself”.

But there is a flip side to this. Constantly putting yourself down with an “I’m no good” attitude is just as bad as the “I have nothing to learn” attitude. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Celebrate your successes. Look back to the past only long enough to learn from it, then set your sights forward, and press on in the directions YOU want to go. If you have any serious issues from the past, be brave enough to seek help and get over them.

2) Recognise you are playing a percentage game. We have all heard of them: the kids from the most abusive, deprived backgrounds who somehow manage to make huge successes of themselves. And the kids from the very best of families (as demonstrated by their siblings) who somehow go off the rails into drugs and crime.

The reality is that you, the parent, are only one factor in your children’s upbringing. They are also subject to influence from the friends, other relatives, teachers, shop keepers, TV, magazines and, of course, their own genetic makeup. You cannot control all the variables. You might be the very best, the ultimate parent, and yet your kids turn out as failures. You might be the very worst, alcoholic and abusive parent, and yet your kids do fine. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

So you play the percentages. You know that if you beat your kids, they are more likely to turn out bad than good. So, on average, beating your kids is probably not a good idea. Using fair and consistent discipline probably produces better odds for a successful outcome - so do that instead.

You success as a parent is NOT determined by how well your children turn out. It IS determined by whether you did all you reasonably could to do the right things and make the right decisions for them, WITH THE KNOWLEDGE YOU HAD AT THE TIME. Maybe those decisions turn out to be the wrong ones. So be it. That does not mean you failed as a parent. But, if you were too lazy to get the facts, if you just took the easiest decision without thinking about the impact on your children, then, I believe, you have failed - even if it turns out that the decision was the right one!

3) Recognise your children are not the only things in your life. In this day and age we seem to be obsessed with the idea that the interests of the children come first, before anything else. I strongly disagree with that concept. Yes, me must consider the best interests of the child, but there are other things to consider too.

It may be, for instance, that taking a new job in a different city might be the best thing for your family - even if it means taking your child away from his school and friends.

By putting children first in everything we run the danger of creating a selfish, “me first” generation where they grow up believing that the world owes them a living. Sometimes children have to take second place - and that in itself is an important lesson about life. Yes, before making any decision consider its impact on the children. But, in the end, make up your own mind as to what would be best for the family as a whole.

4) Look to the long term. Raising children is a long drawn- out process. Have your long-term goals in mind. How do you want them to turn out as adults? What qualities and skills do they need to learn? What experiences do they need, along the way, to learn those skills and character traits?

Many times as parents we are faced with the choice of taking an easy, short-term quick fix, or a harder approach that will bear much more fruit in the long term. The TV is such a classic example of this. How easy is it, when the kids are playing up, to just switch on the TV as the electronic babysitter? A quick fix for the immediate hassle or rowdy kids. But how much better, in the long run, to spend a bit of time teaching them how to build a model, or sew a soft toy, or put together a jigsaw?

5) Look for the positives. Like you, your children will make mistakes. Forgive them. Correct them gently and move on. Always be looking for what they did right, not what they did wrong. Children crave their parents’ attention. Pay attention to what they do wrong, and they will do more of it. Pay attention to what they do right, and they will be eager to please you more.

6) Stick to your guns. Believe in yourself. If you are doing all the above, then you are well on the right track. There will be times when you make decisions and you get challenged on them, either by your children, or by others (such as interfering relatives). Unless there genuinely are new facts that you weren’t aware of before, don’t be swayed.

And don’t be afraid to say no - to your children and your relatives - if that is the right thing to say.

Sure, your decision may turn out to be a bad one. That happens. Hindsight is 20-20. But far better to stick to your decision, than to be a plastic bag blowing about in the breeze. You children are watching you; watching how you deal with life, how you make decisions, how you cope with adversity, how you believe in yourself and stand up for yourself and your family. Be a good example for them.

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